It's D-31. Gosssshhh I'm excited. And nervous. And as far as I know, it's completely normal. Still on that Bridezilla state because the invitations are not ready to be delivered yet. And I haven't fixed the order to the caterer. But I'm sure I'll get it done. I've always been a deadliner my whole life and usually the closer I get to deadline, the better I perform. So I have nothing to worry about, right? Righhttttt??! HEHE.
I know I promised to share about my wedding preparation here. But on a second thought, I'll leave that for later. Maybe along with review of the vendors' performance on the D-day. My days are full with preparing the wedding already I don't feel like thinking about it here as well. :D
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
Friday, 3 June 2016
Bridezilla
Okay. I'm gonna pour my heart out on this one. This is going to be a long one. Just like all my posts. Pardon me for being very talkative.
So. I'm more than familiar with the word "Bridezilla", but I never really knew what it means, what it feels like to be one. We began all the preparation process in the end of March. So we had about 4 months to prepare everything. Choosing venue and vendors, vendor meetings, pre-wedding photo session, family meetings, and so much more to do. I actually kinda enjoy it. I mean, I'm a wedding organizer myself. It's not easy but... I. Love. This. I gotta admit that I even thought that maybe the word Bridezilla only comes to those brides-to-be who aren't very familiar with wedding preparation. Or those with a mega-wedding and there are just sooooo much to take care of.
I mean... The experience of having a wedding (and more importantly, a marriage) coming up will definitely be different from one person to another. And I'm about to share mine. For me, what finally makes me a Bridezilla is not only the wedding preparation. It's all the consequences that comes with the decision that you, a woman, is going to let go of the life you have now in order to build a new life with this one man of your choice. All of them, mixed in your head.
Wedding Preparation
This isn't new at all. Your Dad wants to make sure that the wedding celebration, the last time he's ever going to give his daughter what she wants, is good enough. He wants his friends to see his beautiful daughter and his son-in-law. And that means... Big party. Preparing a big party is not something that can be done so easily, is it?
Family
In Indonesia, we all know that in making decisions for your big day, you have to consider not only what you (and your fiance) want, but also your parents, his parents, your aunts your uncles your cousins your brothers and the list goes on. It's kinda depressing when you already had all idea of your dream wedding in your head but then it doesn't go together with what your family wants. On one hand you have to understand that you can't always have it your way because it's life, not Burger King. But one the other hand... "it's MY wedding! Why don't YOU just say yes to make me happy?". So you'll try to figure out how to decide when to stick to your plan, and when to say yes to advice given from your aunt.
Image of Ideal Wife
You both are in phase of facing the reality: you'll be a wife, he'll be a husband. It's a big decision that comes with big responsibility. I personally I thought a lot about what kind of wife I should be, and constantly comparing that to where I am now. That's gives me pressure in some ways. Since I was a kid, my mom always told me that once I'm married, I have to dedicate my life to my husband. I have to take care of him, be a nice woman, talk softly, be gentle to him, and so on. While, being just the way I am now, I'm nowhere near that. I speak loudly and get upset so easily.
What if I can't find a way to cheer him up one day?
What if I can't take a good enough care of our house?
What if he doesn't like the food I make?
What if I'm running out of ideas about what to cook for the day?
What if I don't know what to do when we both don't have anything to do?
What if I'm not good enough in bed and he eventually gets bored? (yes. this also came into my mind.)
What if I'm not good enough at managing our money?
What if this what if that.
Those kinds of little thoughts have been bothering my mind these past few weeks. We already talked a lot about our after-marriage life, but still, I can't help myself.
Time
Your wedding is a few weeks away. You still got so much to prepare. But with a few weeks away of being his completely, you still got those things you want to do that you won't be able to do again after you're married. Ion had been very cooperative by sacrificing his time with his friends. He haven't seen any of his closest friends in the past 3 months for our wedding preparation. But me, I'm the selfish one here. I didn't want to let go the last chance I have to join the WO crew because I thought "after we got married I will never do one single thing without your permission. My whole life, I will dedicate to you. So I want you to understand that this is something I really love doing, and I want you to give me a chance to do it one last time." This caused quite a fight.
Money
I just graduated and I started working a month after. Now that I have my own money, I want to buy this and that. You know, it feels different when you buy something with your own money that you earn yourself. And well... we're girls. We won't run out of things to buy. But on the other hand, I'm about to start a new life with Ion. We rented a small house and are now slowly furnishing it. It really is hard to decide which one I'd like more:
1. To take my brothers out for dinner because I don't have much time left with them.
2. To buy one set of Bioderma Sensibio series because my face is breaking out at the point that I think it needs a really good care - not just a regular face wash
3. To buy a pair of Birkenstock because my sandals are broken so it's better to spend more for a good one that would make it through a few years ahead.
4. To save the money for a dining table. Or sets of blindfold. Or parquette. Or this or that, the list doesn't stop.
The Wait
I can't stay calm and wait for the D-day. I want to skip all 50 (as per today) days that stands between now and the big day. I want to be able to wake him up every morning (I do now, by the way. I give him wake up call every single morning), I want to make sure that he eats good stuff since he's not an omnomnomnivore like I am, I want to give him massage and make him coffee or tea when he got home from work. Every single goodbye gets harder. It's only for a week for God's sake. We have to meet every weekend to prepare things but as I said, it gets harder and harder every time. And while being in love and being care about him is a good thing, the "missing him" part is not pleasant. I want it to end soon because it's just not bearable anymore. Unpleasant condition equals stressor.
Being a Daughter
Last but not least. This is the hardest part that had me cry almost every time I take time to give a deep thought about this. I am much closer to Mom than Dad. But God knows why, the bond is stronger with Dad. Since the engagement day, every time I welcome him from work or send him off to work in the morning he looks at me in the eye, as if he's saying "Soon you won't be mine again". That's hard. Realizing that in no time, the house I've been living in since I was born won't be mine to come home to every single day. That lovely room of mine, I won't be sleeping in it every night. Thinking how mom would be the only woman in the house (and she survived a stage 3B breast cancer last year so she won't be in a great condition she used to be in. She felt tired easily of course, given the fact that she's getting old too.), with three messy boys in the house. Sure we have two very nice and helpful maids, but still. She won't have me (as I won't have her) to have "small talk sambil males-malesan di kasur" every day. And I won't hear my brothers fight every weekend again :"D Been living with the four of them my whole life, with all the love and the fight in it. Now it's getting closer to say goodbye to them. I can assure you that I will cry very hard when I ask for Dad's permission to get marry on my Akad nikah day.
Every single thing above bothering my mind at the same time is a little bit too much to handle. So I'm happy and sad and stressed out at the same time. For me, that is why I can call myself a bridezilla at this stage.
But now, despite how it keeps me up at night, and how it all come to my dreams, I'm trying to embrace the mixed feelings because this is once in a lifetime feeling.
And above all, I feel blessed for having best parents, best girlfriends, and the best fiance I could have ever asked for. :)
So. I'm more than familiar with the word "Bridezilla", but I never really knew what it means, what it feels like to be one. We began all the preparation process in the end of March. So we had about 4 months to prepare everything. Choosing venue and vendors, vendor meetings, pre-wedding photo session, family meetings, and so much more to do. I actually kinda enjoy it. I mean, I'm a wedding organizer myself. It's not easy but... I. Love. This. I gotta admit that I even thought that maybe the word Bridezilla only comes to those brides-to-be who aren't very familiar with wedding preparation. Or those with a mega-wedding and there are just sooooo much to take care of.
I mean... The experience of having a wedding (and more importantly, a marriage) coming up will definitely be different from one person to another. And I'm about to share mine. For me, what finally makes me a Bridezilla is not only the wedding preparation. It's all the consequences that comes with the decision that you, a woman, is going to let go of the life you have now in order to build a new life with this one man of your choice. All of them, mixed in your head.
Wedding Preparation
This isn't new at all. Your Dad wants to make sure that the wedding celebration, the last time he's ever going to give his daughter what she wants, is good enough. He wants his friends to see his beautiful daughter and his son-in-law. And that means... Big party. Preparing a big party is not something that can be done so easily, is it?
Family
In Indonesia, we all know that in making decisions for your big day, you have to consider not only what you (and your fiance) want, but also your parents, his parents, your aunts your uncles your cousins your brothers and the list goes on. It's kinda depressing when you already had all idea of your dream wedding in your head but then it doesn't go together with what your family wants. On one hand you have to understand that you can't always have it your way because it's life, not Burger King. But one the other hand... "it's MY wedding! Why don't YOU just say yes to make me happy?". So you'll try to figure out how to decide when to stick to your plan, and when to say yes to advice given from your aunt.
Image of Ideal Wife
You both are in phase of facing the reality: you'll be a wife, he'll be a husband. It's a big decision that comes with big responsibility. I personally I thought a lot about what kind of wife I should be, and constantly comparing that to where I am now. That's gives me pressure in some ways. Since I was a kid, my mom always told me that once I'm married, I have to dedicate my life to my husband. I have to take care of him, be a nice woman, talk softly, be gentle to him, and so on. While, being just the way I am now, I'm nowhere near that. I speak loudly and get upset so easily.
What if I can't find a way to cheer him up one day?
What if I can't take a good enough care of our house?
What if he doesn't like the food I make?
What if I'm running out of ideas about what to cook for the day?
What if I don't know what to do when we both don't have anything to do?
What if I'm not good enough in bed and he eventually gets bored? (yes. this also came into my mind.)
What if I'm not good enough at managing our money?
What if this what if that.
Those kinds of little thoughts have been bothering my mind these past few weeks. We already talked a lot about our after-marriage life, but still, I can't help myself.
Time
Your wedding is a few weeks away. You still got so much to prepare. But with a few weeks away of being his completely, you still got those things you want to do that you won't be able to do again after you're married. Ion had been very cooperative by sacrificing his time with his friends. He haven't seen any of his closest friends in the past 3 months for our wedding preparation. But me, I'm the selfish one here. I didn't want to let go the last chance I have to join the WO crew because I thought "after we got married I will never do one single thing without your permission. My whole life, I will dedicate to you. So I want you to understand that this is something I really love doing, and I want you to give me a chance to do it one last time." This caused quite a fight.
Money
I just graduated and I started working a month after. Now that I have my own money, I want to buy this and that. You know, it feels different when you buy something with your own money that you earn yourself. And well... we're girls. We won't run out of things to buy. But on the other hand, I'm about to start a new life with Ion. We rented a small house and are now slowly furnishing it. It really is hard to decide which one I'd like more:
1. To take my brothers out for dinner because I don't have much time left with them.
2. To buy one set of Bioderma Sensibio series because my face is breaking out at the point that I think it needs a really good care - not just a regular face wash
3. To buy a pair of Birkenstock because my sandals are broken so it's better to spend more for a good one that would make it through a few years ahead.
4. To save the money for a dining table. Or sets of blindfold. Or parquette. Or this or that, the list doesn't stop.
The Wait
I can't stay calm and wait for the D-day. I want to skip all 50 (as per today) days that stands between now and the big day. I want to be able to wake him up every morning (I do now, by the way. I give him wake up call every single morning), I want to make sure that he eats good stuff since he's not an omnomnomnivore like I am, I want to give him massage and make him coffee or tea when he got home from work. Every single goodbye gets harder. It's only for a week for God's sake. We have to meet every weekend to prepare things but as I said, it gets harder and harder every time. And while being in love and being care about him is a good thing, the "missing him" part is not pleasant. I want it to end soon because it's just not bearable anymore. Unpleasant condition equals stressor.
Being a Daughter
Last but not least. This is the hardest part that had me cry almost every time I take time to give a deep thought about this. I am much closer to Mom than Dad. But God knows why, the bond is stronger with Dad. Since the engagement day, every time I welcome him from work or send him off to work in the morning he looks at me in the eye, as if he's saying "Soon you won't be mine again". That's hard. Realizing that in no time, the house I've been living in since I was born won't be mine to come home to every single day. That lovely room of mine, I won't be sleeping in it every night. Thinking how mom would be the only woman in the house (and she survived a stage 3B breast cancer last year so she won't be in a great condition she used to be in. She felt tired easily of course, given the fact that she's getting old too.), with three messy boys in the house. Sure we have two very nice and helpful maids, but still. She won't have me (as I won't have her) to have "small talk sambil males-malesan di kasur" every day. And I won't hear my brothers fight every weekend again :"D Been living with the four of them my whole life, with all the love and the fight in it. Now it's getting closer to say goodbye to them. I can assure you that I will cry very hard when I ask for Dad's permission to get marry on my Akad nikah day.
Every single thing above bothering my mind at the same time is a little bit too much to handle. So I'm happy and sad and stressed out at the same time. For me, that is why I can call myself a bridezilla at this stage.
But now, despite how it keeps me up at night, and how it all come to my dreams, I'm trying to embrace the mixed feelings because this is once in a lifetime feeling.
And above all, I feel blessed for having best parents, best girlfriends, and the best fiance I could have ever asked for. :)
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Wedding preparation in 3... 2.... 1.......
We all know what comes after the engagement: The wedding (preparation) itself. And we all know what it means to prepare a wedding, especially in Indonesia: bridezilla time! *ugh*
At the engagement party we announced to our family and friends that we'll tie the knot on October this year, if not earlier. By earlier we meant a month or two. But well..... things after things happened and.... well, July it is. So we only have 4 months to prepare everything from scratch because we haven't started anything yet. Not until this week. No, it's not because we're lazy arses. It's because there are things to take care of before we can settle the date. So again, July it is.
I myself is involved in a wedding organizer. So I'm more or less quite familiar with things that I have to take care of. But still, when it comes to my own wedding, it really is quite a hard time trying to make peace with budget and still not letting go of my dream wedding. I even fight with my fiancee, and even my mom, over this. Disitu gw bener-bener sampe mikir "oh wow, kerumitan menjelang pernikahan itu benar adanya" haha because it is, especially with a tight budget :P But then again, pacar gw tunangan gw selalu ngingetin
"yang penting kan esensi acaranya aku nikah sama kamu. Aku mah mau cuma acara akad doang juga ga masalah. Yang ada bayangan mau ini itu kan kamu. Jadi jangan sampe ribet apalagi terlalu maksain buat acara resepsi lah. Budgetnya ada segini, ini bukan jumlah yang kecil loh. Sama sekali ga kecil, bisa banget bikin acara bagus asal kitanya pinter ngaturnya. Undangannya juga dipilih lagi bener-bener"
That's what he said. More or less. Habis digituin rasanya kaya ditampar sedikit haha. He's right in every way. The most important thing is the marriage itself, not the wedding. After giving a deep thought, I do think it's not necessary to invite hundreds or even thousands of people that most of them, in my prediction, I don't even know. The objective is to share our happiness with close family and friends. So that's what we plan to do. I even am beginning to say "yang, gila bgt ngabisin uang segini buat acara 2 jam ya. mendingan buat DP rumah sama mobil gak sih?" Hahaha.
To be honest I'm a bit nervous facing the preparation. Takut tiba-tiba ada pengeluaran besar tak terduga lah, takut ada yang baru keinget di belakang meskipun sebisa mungkin semua udah dilist dari awal sedetail-detailnya, Takut tiba-tiba pusing sendiri, daaan yang terpenting, Ion (nama tunangan gw) sekarang kerja di Kuningan, Jawa Barat. Ever since he moved there, kerjaannya jadi superbanyak sibuk banget, on working hours nyaris ga bisa dihubungin, even di waktu istirahat. Jadi agak deg-degan juga nih dia pasti kalo lagi ga balik cuma akan bisa handle things setelah maghrib, dan tentunya hanya bisa via telfon/chat/email. Sejauh ini sih dia Alhamdulillaahnya sangat SANGAT helpful dan mau ikut repot banget. Tapi tetep deg-degan hahaha. But I'm sure we'll get through this!
As for my preparation, I'll try to share the process here. Siapatau bisa berguna untuk calon pengantin lainnya yang lagi cari-cari referensi atau yang masih have no idea what to do banget terus perlu info untuk memulai. Enjoy!
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
The unexpected twist in my story
It all happened so fast. Really fast. As fast as this:
10 Sept 15: We first talk to each other via chat on a dating app, but we moved to line that very same day. He told me he's into a serious relationship and if I'm not in to that I might as well just don't start anything with him at all. That. Very. Same. Day.
17 Sept 15: First phone call, spitting out all secrets and dark pasts and everything. To make sure there are no deal breakers.
19 Sept 15: First time we met each other. I said yes, I'd be his girl and if odds are ever in our favor, would be his wife. To a man I barely know. Call me weird. Or crazy, even.
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| The first time we met. A very awkward photo of us. |
14 Nov 15: He asked my Dad's permission to marry me.
6 Dec 15: Our parents met
3 Jan 16: We're engaged.
CRAZY FAST. Right? That was simplified though, it was more complicated than that in real life but the timeline is more or less just like that. I don't know why it all happened so fast. What I know is, when I met this guy, I find him to be the answer of my prayer. Everything I ask God after that nasty breakup with my ex, he has it. Except for, well, he's not Javanese and he's not as tall. HEHE. But the rest he totally has it. It was too dreamy I couldn't believe myself. But in doubt, I prayed "God, if he's the one, then open the path as wide as it can be, show us the way so we can walk it down. If not, help me not to get too far with him". And things after things unexpectedly happened and led us to where we are now.
Some people ask me, "Are you sure you're going to be married to him? You don't know him. And even if you both are very open to each other about everything, still, how well can you possibly figure him out in that short of time?". This is where the leap of faith takes place. What I know is, before him, I ALWAYS have doubts. Most of the times, not the small ones. But with him, it's like I don't have anything to worry about at all. It just flows. I adore him so much. Even when we fight I always can see the reason why he has to do what he did. Even when I feel like punching him in the face, I still feel the urge to hug him to be bigger. We fight big fights. We love hard. I think this is what they mean by "you know when you know".
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| My favorite photo! |
I know I'm not the first person who finds him so lovable. I bet his ex(s) love him as much too, at their time. I know I don't share his taste of music like his ex does. I don't love cats like his ex does. We like different things. I'm not a beauty nor the stylish one. Not artsy at all. Not even that soft and gentle woman, God no. I'm not the one that turns his world upside down and make him say "I fucking love you so much".
Sometimes I still have my insecurities about those things. Scared that he might have just... "made peace" with what he can have right now. Scared that this is all just about the right timing. I've always been an over-thinker with average self-esteem, as you can see. He hates it when this side of me comes out. Me too, actually. BUT. God created human in pairs. There must be some reason why we're meant for each other. Why, despite of all our differences, we both feel what people call "connection".
And I still have a lifetime to figure that out. <3
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| qqluvd kecayankandqu. Well, we have weird pet name(s). |
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